Wishing for simplicity, a holiday without stress and big overwhelming to dos, but a family connection based on closeness and interaction not food or strife....
I love holidays, especially the wintery ones but the dark side of them does seem to be strife, disappointed expectations and stress and grandiosity around food. Not in the way "oh, I ate too many calories" way just all the meanings and must haves and traditions and complex creations.
We (I really mean me) are hard wired around the holidays. Example: Target puts up Christmas decor and I feel an irrepressible urge to purchase. I fight it. It's not really me but I am still Pavlov's dog salivating over Baubles and Toys and Wrapping Paper. Example: I feel like Dec 25 didn't really happen unless I make our particular recipe for frosted cut out cookies. Example: a small bit of myself braces for some wine driven emotional blow out every Thanksgiving.
But there is hope, which I like to think of as one of the primary reason for traditions, the hope to carry forth. My hope is in new traditions that fit me and my family and my reality. Example: a hike every Thanksgiving morning, festive tree trimming at a family friends house, wintery pajamas on my darling kids, helping those with less than we, stocking stuffing and fireplace snuggles Christmas Eve with my husband, mimosas Christmas morning, setting free wishes and desires on New Year's Eve into the night... These are the Things that squash some of the anxiety and strife.
They are the things which I hang hope on like a star on the tree, glimmering.
Glimmering enough to banish the dark and fear .
Glimmering towards a better holiday traditons for all of us.
That glimmering is a good reason for thanks giving, a move from the old cycles and handed down grief to new choices, traditions and hope.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
4 day weekend mommy
Due to a need for family time and other factors, we made this school holiday 3 day weekend into a 4 day weekend and it feels like it was right. That it did well by all involved.
Sometimes one ( read, I ) is not always sure about parenting decisions. Even the minor ones can sometimes seem to require deeper scrutinizing, why did I decide that, did it work, who was it benefiting, am I being a good mom, will my kid bring this up in therapy whe they are 30, was that the most important thing at the time?
I also know and believe that being so inquisitive is surely a sign that I am being as concientious as I can be in my decisions at the moment. Motherhood specifically (parenting in general) can intone an unbearable weight in our society, an insurmountable duty but yet we do it daily and many before have, as many will in the future. Ask anyone, part of their damage, issue, festiveness or neurosis is partly due to their mother or lack there of.... But we keep on (most of us) and we love (all of us), no matter the odds, hoping praying believing that it
all balances out.
I choose to Believe when I mother and to trust my heart
Sometimes one ( read, I ) is not always sure about parenting decisions. Even the minor ones can sometimes seem to require deeper scrutinizing, why did I decide that, did it work, who was it benefiting, am I being a good mom, will my kid bring this up in therapy whe they are 30, was that the most important thing at the time?
I also know and believe that being so inquisitive is surely a sign that I am being as concientious as I can be in my decisions at the moment. Motherhood specifically (parenting in general) can intone an unbearable weight in our society, an insurmountable duty but yet we do it daily and many before have, as many will in the future. Ask anyone, part of their damage, issue, festiveness or neurosis is partly due to their mother or lack there of.... But we keep on (most of us) and we love (all of us), no matter the odds, hoping praying believing that it
all balances out.
I choose to Believe when I mother and to trust my heart
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Truly smile inducing festiveness
My kids, probably like many others, are obsessed with this catchy song and so have been repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating the chorus while sliding through each others legs and "riding the horsey" all because of these two words:
Gangnam Style
I have been smiling about it all evening and am happy for ridiculous pop music, dance crazes and kids.
Gangnam Style
I have been smiling about it all evening and am happy for ridiculous pop music, dance crazes and kids.
Flashback
What do you say when you come face to face with reality that most of your younger life (and many instances sprinkled throughout your adulthood) is a trauma. How can I not slip to survival mode all the time? But I don't . Not always.
I do do it too often though,slip,and more than is reccomended,,,,,,, but I am still here more than not, at least....
It's weird and comforting when it all gets lumped together , a relief really... Not one or two things are the trigger, basically your whole first 20 years or so.
and then being around trauma and those who are working through it all become triggers ... Add in the loss, the attack, the rape, the bad relationships, the fight for our kids, and it all seems so monumental.
My pile of shit is sooooooo high it's festive beyond belief, like a giant glimmering junk heap so high you can't see the top .
Meditation, breathing, adult being. This will help. Letting it move, not latching on not freezing. Bending like the trees...the humor to see through it sometimes.
I do do it too often though,slip,and more than is reccomended,,,,,,, but I am still here more than not, at least....
It's weird and comforting when it all gets lumped together , a relief really... Not one or two things are the trigger, basically your whole first 20 years or so.
and then being around trauma and those who are working through it all become triggers ... Add in the loss, the attack, the rape, the bad relationships, the fight for our kids, and it all seems so monumental.
My pile of shit is sooooooo high it's festive beyond belief, like a giant glimmering junk heap so high you can't see the top .
Meditation, breathing, adult being. This will help. Letting it move, not latching on not freezing. Bending like the trees...the humor to see through it sometimes.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Miredness and cyndi lauper
I am in the mire. Slow cyndi lauper songs and slow covers of up tempo cyndi lauper songs seem to help.
The mire seems particularly dark and sticky at this moment.
Writing may help.
Being unstructured is appealing . The urge for going is strong,,,,,,
The urge to be seen and understood is even stronger .... Impossibly strong while squirreling myself away due to the intensity of everyThing
There is hope and that desire to continue , not just continue but soar but Lordy is the mire sticky, sludgey and dense..... The album Trust by Low is particularly feative now as well. Is this ramblings or a playlist for depression? Both.... Slow sad desperate Sade songs and humble ones by Gillian welch are on constant rotation as well.....
Learning to cut through all the precreated neuro pathways and know what is ME , not wiring, conditioning, brain chemistry , voices of self sacrifice and critique, NOT a response to the pain and fear. Not recoiling and fixing and trying to prevent. This is the beginning .
I am posting now.
Play list
Cyndi Lauper Time after Time
Greg Laswell Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Low Last Snowstorm of the Year
Sade Every Word
Gillian Welch Trouble Mind
The mire seems particularly dark and sticky at this moment.
Writing may help.
Being unstructured is appealing . The urge for going is strong,,,,,,
The urge to be seen and understood is even stronger .... Impossibly strong while squirreling myself away due to the intensity of everyThing
There is hope and that desire to continue , not just continue but soar but Lordy is the mire sticky, sludgey and dense..... The album Trust by Low is particularly feative now as well. Is this ramblings or a playlist for depression? Both.... Slow sad desperate Sade songs and humble ones by Gillian welch are on constant rotation as well.....
Learning to cut through all the precreated neuro pathways and know what is ME , not wiring, conditioning, brain chemistry , voices of self sacrifice and critique, NOT a response to the pain and fear. Not recoiling and fixing and trying to prevent. This is the beginning .
I am posting now.
Play list
Cyndi Lauper Time after Time
Greg Laswell Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Low Last Snowstorm of the Year
Sade Every Word
Gillian Welch Trouble Mind
Friday, November 21, 2008
twilight
my favorite time of day is twilight.
makes me thoughtful, joyful, moody and melancholy all at the same time.
the light, the colors the shift in time and even the temperature
it is the in between time
makes sense then that i heartily enjoy a sunrise as well- especially while brewing coffee at a diner in the berkshire mountains in winter time.
twilight i do crave though- get all wonky when i don't see it for days in a row
twilight is also is the name of a teen movie out today-it is based on a book about a human and vampire relationship.
i often read teen fiction ( favorites being- stargirl, harry potter and weetzie bat).
i have yet to read this series but it has got me thinking of vampires.
the forbidden, the lost(dead), the need for life, the whole Eros and superstition around them.
they are between and the in between is the shifting and the shifting is what adds to fleeting moment and i think to the sensuality- what is more fleeting than touch.
and what an in between of touch- desire/fear, death/life, pain/pleasure, control/submission.
a boy i was with once was very vampiresque and i learned how sensitive the neck can be and how closely ecstasy and loss of self are intertwined at times. not what i want now not even an experience i would recommend but it has added to my story, shaped me a little and given me a moments thought to this time of day, young love and vampires.
makes me thoughtful, joyful, moody and melancholy all at the same time.
the light, the colors the shift in time and even the temperature
it is the in between time
makes sense then that i heartily enjoy a sunrise as well- especially while brewing coffee at a diner in the berkshire mountains in winter time.
twilight i do crave though- get all wonky when i don't see it for days in a row
twilight is also is the name of a teen movie out today-it is based on a book about a human and vampire relationship.
i often read teen fiction ( favorites being- stargirl, harry potter and weetzie bat).
i have yet to read this series but it has got me thinking of vampires.
the forbidden, the lost(dead), the need for life, the whole Eros and superstition around them.
they are between and the in between is the shifting and the shifting is what adds to fleeting moment and i think to the sensuality- what is more fleeting than touch.
and what an in between of touch- desire/fear, death/life, pain/pleasure, control/submission.
a boy i was with once was very vampiresque and i learned how sensitive the neck can be and how closely ecstasy and loss of self are intertwined at times. not what i want now not even an experience i would recommend but it has added to my story, shaped me a little and given me a moments thought to this time of day, young love and vampires.
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